Heavenly Abode

A well-formed love vanishes all fear…this is my favorite poem…

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what is is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

im lost

in thoughts of longing

to be with someone

im afraid to love

im damned again

after being out of it

after his kisses

have awaken me

i don’t know

how to hold my mind

beyond the tears

of hoping for us

im here

his no where

and will be long

since will meet again

im damned to the core

i want to be with him

but, i can’t

im not yet ready

for matrimony

im young

too young

even

after 3 years

i don’t think i would be

im scared

to tell the truth

cause i don’t know

if i would have to lie

im damned, again.

Never tell a young person that anything cannot be done. God may have been waiting centuries for someone ignorant enough of the impossible to do that very thing.

~John Andrew Holmes~

"It is easy to recognize someone with a fear of poverty. Those who fear poverty cling desperately to what they have. They hang on to all things as though their lives depended upon it. Their chief demand is security."

Thomas D. Willhite
The Book of Fears

"Only when your consciousness is totally focused on the moment you are in can you receive whatever gift, lesson, or delight that moment has to offer."

~Barbara De Angelis~

Opportunity’s favorite disguise is trouble.

~Frank Tyger~

"There is no victory at bargain basement prices."

~Dwight David Eisenhower~

"A great many people go through life taking two asprin tablets to solve their "headaches." They think that their problem is the headache, but reality the headache is a result of some inner turmoil, confusion, or worry."

~Thomas D. Willhite~

The past is like a river flowing out of sight; the future is an ocean filled with opportunity and delight."

~Anna Hoxie~

Damn my thoughts, they won’t let me sleep…

here i am again, being the thinker that i always have been…and he will leave me again after 6 months…why can’t i find luck in men? why do they always leave? Damn….

it feels so painful to find yourself in a predicament where you don’t have the weapons to defend yourself from tears…(the martial artist side of me talking here)…

i hate the set-up…next time i get into a relationship i will make sure that the man won’t leave me for good…seems like this will be a long shot from the now i am in…and he has to stay there to work for 3 years…for the future naman iyon She eh…future my ass…that is if he ever comes back…still single…

damn my thoughts…i was not like this a while ago…God thank you for listening to me even though i seem to just be blabbering about nothing…hindi talaga kami para sa isa’t isa…bakit ganoon? bakit pinakilala Mo pa siya sa akin? sana hindi na lang naging kami….another one of those lose me scenarios….tears will be pouring again…seems i have mastered the art of crying…after this move on na ulit…taon na naman bibilangin ko…

sana mahanap na ako ng magmamahal talaga sa akin…yung hindi ako iiwan…Nerissa i miss you…hope your are doing great in Heaven…please kiss the people there for me…or atleast visit me in my dreams…miss ko na talaga kalokahan natin…

ill go do OT n nga…

Sex…sex….SEX….what’s with this three letter word that’s so alarming that people have a different definition of it, no matter what culture, lifestyle or personality you have…hay, ako din, nakakapuzzle na din ang mag-sex, ay, magsalita tungkol sa sex….

so, ano nga ba siya, para sa akin, it  would be the ultimate union between a man and a woman, biruin mo, after all the tago that you did when you were young of your most precious body, eh, i-rereveal mo na ito sa isang tao..or mga tao?????..with all the assets and liabilities…and ideally you will honesty and hopefully, whole-heartedly enjoy it…

i heard from a lot of my friends na the first time should be memorable, and some of them had theirs to such an extent…others say that theirs were just a fleeting thing…the urge was there,the partner was willing and they had brought it on…

tapos, ung iba naman, with the consent on doing it, even buy services from a prostitute…a guy prostitute, …..even became a prostitute for one night para lang ma-experience lang…

Ganoon ba talaga kahalaga na malaman mo ang ibig sabihin ng Sex in the very nature of it????…..TBC

i just realized….

that everyone has their own story to tell…

that respect, integrity, and trust are the first things that one could expect from an acquiantance…

that it is still the best to look to God all the time…

that a prayer has power…

that strength grows as character is molded…

that the more i worry the less i grow…

that the least among the people that i am with could be the greatest in someone else’s life…

that all of us have atleast one person who truly loves us…

that fear cripples me…

that the trust that i give to people must be just enough…

that the things that i say or do may someday be used against me…

that loving means believing, trusting, hoping, fighting, sacrificing…and even beyond…

that my smile is valuable…

that tears may not necessarily fall from one’s eyes…

that the greatest disappointment is the disappointment that i have given to myself…

that the memories of the past can hunt me not unless i choose not to be affected and let it go…

i have often been blinded by the past, but now, i have been aware that the some of my memories can become nightmares of my future. I don’t wanna be a prisoner of the past and so, i realize that i will strive to continue to have a greater awareness of who i am…wholistically…

i have always been afraid of the facing my fears, of being side by side with temptation…maybe because i know that deep inside i would want to choose the least of what would be good for me…no more pain now, but, what if i get the consequences of my answers later and it would just kill me more…

im so scared of nothing…good thing there have been means to write down feelings that one would want to forever conceal…

sometimes, i feel so stupid that i have been so into the good of things…

do you think that revenge has a positive effect on people? if yes, then my realization should be met with an action plan…i would be better than i was before…damn them…(that’s my rebellious self talking)

i know i can be a pain in the ass sometimes, i just do my best to be always as good as i can be…

in truth i am really good…just don’t make me cry, or else, my curses come to life…

that’s another truth about my family…when we say something against someone that caused us pain…it just happens…and we don’t have the slightest idea how it does…it just happens…maybe the Universe listens somehow..and It bends against those afflicted…this is the reason why i don’t wanna get angry…i may end up killing someone, literally…

maybe we have unseen defenders here on earth that knows when pain lurks in our hearts…they just ease the pain…

weird…im blabbering again….

but, that’s me…i find thinking a favorite past time…trying to exercise my brain gives me nourishment, like water in the seas…it folds and slaps me in the face…

being the person that i am is sometimes boring, but, ultimately…it has been a roller coaster ride of raging hormones and tears the past two months…i hope too God i learn the best out of this…i truly love myself…and my I AM.

start of the week’s work…yet i feel tired already. first day of my 3 day series… im very lucky to be in my work now…i just hope that i don’t forget this…

i just had a fight with my baby yesterday…it was almost an end to all that we have…

i saw a picture of his ex-gf on his phone…

he is trying to convince me to do something that i don’t want to do…

i got pissed off by the way he wanted me to decide on matters of intimacy…

i got pissed off with myself…im just so conservative kasi…don’t know where i got my principles, but i have lived 22 years with them…and they woked for me…

im just tired of thinking where this would lead…he said he won’t be here in the Philippines for more than a year…so…don’t know where it would end…

im so damned pissed off…and it is so transparent…my supervisor even asked what was wrong already…masyado daw akong tahimik….sabi ko, marital problems…hahahha….hmmm….marital nga ba…di pa po…matagal pa yun…

basta, ang dami kong di pa nasasabi sa kanya…i need to tell na…don’t know when, but, i will…

Why do i feel so much pain?

is it in knowing that the reality that i hold on to is the dream that i will never have. i have chosen to be here. in a love that is uncertain, sometimes there, sometimes not. i have been true. i tried. i am. but the pain is still there. i wonder what happend…i wonder what made things be.

im afraid that the bliss i am in would end. i feel that i have disappointed him. somehow, i know deep inside that there is something wrong. i just don’t know what…or, im i just feeling it…

im lying to myself believing that this will last. coz, i want it to last. For the first time in a long time, im taking a chance again. but, seems like there’s something wrong.

it has not yet been a month, and yet the blurr of things set in. i find it difficult to see beyond this. he says that he is afraid to lose me as well. he finds it difficult to see beyond the challenge that we can be together after the years that we have to be apart.

he is afraid that when he comes back, i may already be with someone else.

i told him that if he wants me to wait, he just has to ask. and i realized that i could really wait. that deep inside, i want him to ask me to wait. that i am willing to. though it may be difficult, i will wait. 3 to 6 years…watever…i will. i know i can.

i just don’t know if he can. specially now that i have the principle to stay intact till im married. it has been 22 years of being strong not to go beyond my set limits…and i hope that he really means it when he said that he respects me…hmmm…i know he does…

i just wish everything  is alright with him now. i feel something is different with him today. ill drop by his house tommorrow,  just so i’d know that everything is alright.

i hope everything is alright with him…