Why do i feel so much pain?
Thursday, April 21st, 2005Why do i feel so much pain?
is it in knowing that the reality that i hold on to is the dream that i will never have. i have chosen to be here. in a love that is uncertain, sometimes there, sometimes not. i have been true. i tried. i am. but the pain is still there. i wonder what happend…i wonder what made things be.
im afraid that the bliss i am in would end. i feel that i have disappointed him. somehow, i know deep inside that there is something wrong. i just don’t know what…or, im i just feeling it…
im lying to myself believing that this will last. coz, i want it to last. For the first time in a long time, im taking a chance again. but, seems like there’s something wrong.
it has not yet been a month, and yet the blurr of things set in. i find it difficult to see beyond this. he says that he is afraid to lose me as well. he finds it difficult to see beyond the challenge that we can be together after the years that we have to be apart.
he is afraid that when he comes back, i may already be with someone else.
i told him that if he wants me to wait, he just has to ask. and i realized that i could really wait. that deep inside, i want him to ask me to wait. that i am willing to. though it may be difficult, i will wait. 3 to 6 years…watever…i will. i know i can.
i just don’t know if he can. specially now that i have the principle to stay intact till im married. it has been 22 years of being strong not to go beyond my set limits…and i hope that he really means it when he said that he respects me…hmmm…i know he does…
i just wish everything is alright with him now. i feel something is different with him today. ill drop by his house tommorrow, just so i’d know that everything is alright.
i hope everything is alright with him…
