Heavenly Abode

i just realized….

that everyone has their own story to tell…

that respect, integrity, and trust are the first things that one could expect from an acquiantance…

that it is still the best to look to God all the time…

that a prayer has power…

that strength grows as character is molded…

that the more i worry the less i grow…

that the least among the people that i am with could be the greatest in someone else’s life…

that all of us have atleast one person who truly loves us…

that fear cripples me…

that the trust that i give to people must be just enough…

that the things that i say or do may someday be used against me…

that loving means believing, trusting, hoping, fighting, sacrificing…and even beyond…

that my smile is valuable…

that tears may not necessarily fall from one’s eyes…

that the greatest disappointment is the disappointment that i have given to myself…

that the memories of the past can hunt me not unless i choose not to be affected and let it go…

i have often been blinded by the past, but now, i have been aware that the some of my memories can become nightmares of my future. I don’t wanna be a prisoner of the past and so, i realize that i will strive to continue to have a greater awareness of who i am…wholistically…

i have always been afraid of the facing my fears, of being side by side with temptation…maybe because i know that deep inside i would want to choose the least of what would be good for me…no more pain now, but, what if i get the consequences of my answers later and it would just kill me more…

im so scared of nothing…good thing there have been means to write down feelings that one would want to forever conceal…

sometimes, i feel so stupid that i have been so into the good of things…

do you think that revenge has a positive effect on people? if yes, then my realization should be met with an action plan…i would be better than i was before…damn them…(that’s my rebellious self talking)

i know i can be a pain in the ass sometimes, i just do my best to be always as good as i can be…

in truth i am really good…just don’t make me cry, or else, my curses come to life…

that’s another truth about my family…when we say something against someone that caused us pain…it just happens…and we don’t have the slightest idea how it does…it just happens…maybe the Universe listens somehow..and It bends against those afflicted…this is the reason why i don’t wanna get angry…i may end up killing someone, literally…

maybe we have unseen defenders here on earth that knows when pain lurks in our hearts…they just ease the pain…

weird…im blabbering again….

but, that’s me…i find thinking a favorite past time…trying to exercise my brain gives me nourishment, like water in the seas…it folds and slaps me in the face…

being the person that i am is sometimes boring, but, ultimately…it has been a roller coaster ride of raging hormones and tears the past two months…i hope too God i learn the best out of this…i truly love myself…and my I AM.

start of the week’s work…yet i feel tired already. first day of my 3 day series… im very lucky to be in my work now…i just hope that i don’t forget this…

i just had a fight with my baby yesterday…it was almost an end to all that we have…

i saw a picture of his ex-gf on his phone…

he is trying to convince me to do something that i don’t want to do…

i got pissed off by the way he wanted me to decide on matters of intimacy…

i got pissed off with myself…im just so conservative kasi…don’t know where i got my principles, but i have lived 22 years with them…and they woked for me…

im just tired of thinking where this would lead…he said he won’t be here in the Philippines for more than a year…so…don’t know where it would end…

im so damned pissed off…and it is so transparent…my supervisor even asked what was wrong already…masyado daw akong tahimik….sabi ko, marital problems…hahahha….hmmm….marital nga ba…di pa po…matagal pa yun…

basta, ang dami kong di pa nasasabi sa kanya…i need to tell na…don’t know when, but, i will…